Not so Funny JOKES

[usmankhichi]

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked!

 

[usmankhichi]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna SMASH the bastard!"

 

[usmankhichi]

In a party a manager proudly said that he did "it" 7 times with his wife on his wedding night.

Supervisor next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on his 1st night.

All turned towards a fresher and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night?

Fresher replied: Only once sir.

Manager laughed and asked WHY??

Fresher replied: My wife wasn't used to it sir!!!!

Pindrop silence....... and a Lesson learnt politely

 

[usmankhichi]

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!

 

[usmankhichi]

An Irish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day, the daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold.''

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied, "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up."

He did and warmed his nose. The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Concerned the mother said, "Why? Yes...... Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

 

[usmankhichi]

Medical College Professor to a girl student: "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size?"

Girl Student: "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarassing.

Professor asked the same question to a Male Student."

Male Student: "It's the Pupil of an human eye."

Professor: "Correct."

Then Professor turned to the female student and said, "Look honey, Not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high...

 

[usmankhichi]

A guy and his girlfriend are walking home from the bar one night and start having sex up against a fence.

Suddenly the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.

The owner of the house comes out, looks at them and says, "You're gonna pay for that!"

The guy says to his girlfriend, "What do you think, wanna go halves on the cost?"

"Why should I pay?" says his girlfriend. "I was pushing the other way!"

 

[usmankhichi]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

 

[usmankhichi]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's' and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

 

[usmankhichi]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

 

[usmankhichi]

A honeymoon couple returned home barely on speaking terms.

The best man asked the groom what the problem was.

The groom explained: ''After making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a 50 dollar bill on the pillow without thinking.''

''Don't worry,'' said the groom reassuringly. ''She'll get over it. She surely didn't think you've been saving yourself all these years?''

''Maybe,'' said the groom, ''but I don't know if I'll get over it - she gave me 20 dollars change!''

 

[sinatrachina]

not that funny you are right=)

 

[J D Williams]

Most of them gave me a good laugh, but I like lame jokes

 

[leech]

moderately funny, 6/10

 

[ballcap]

Good jokes, buddy. Keep them coming :applause:

 

[dime191]

ahahah funny stuff ill post some too

 

[sajet07]

lol...........

 

[sajet07]

.........................

 

[kiskav]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."

 

[kiskav]

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to *uck, or I don't know how to shit."